Tuesday 15 May 2012

The only taste I know is bittersweet

Well, here we are. I'm sitting in my room, it's totally messy and I really should be packing... but instead I'm blogging. Tomorrow I leave London for good. I've know this day would come since I first got here, and now it's finally arrived. I wasn't entirely sure what to blog about for today, but I knew I wanted to at least write one - to mark the occasion, so to speak.

I'm a very sentimental person. Over the past two days (and even over the past 2 weeks), I've been counting down, taking note of the things and people I won't see again, the things I won't do again.

I'm sad to be leaving - I feel a sense of loss, of knowing I will no longer be near a place that I like to much, and doing things that I find so exciting. But, on the flip-side (and this is something I have been unwilling to admit to myself for a while) I'm also happy to be beginning my journey home. I'm going home! As much as I loved being here, and fulfilling my dream of living abroad, there was always a sense of distance, and of lonliness. I have some regrets after my time here, and I'd like to list them:

Not making friends
This is a big one, and an obvious one. It kind of snuck up on me... I keep hoping friendships would happen, and then when they didn't I clumsily tried to make them happen myself (in hindsight, I see that I was a little too heavyhanded/desperate, but at the time I felt I was being earnest and open). However, I also learnt that long friendships are not necessarily the most important. Irony is sometimes the best teacher. I formed significant, temporary friend/relationships with people who I wasn't expecting to form them with (such as my landlady, my counsellor, etc). I look forward to meeting lots of interesting characters in my travels through Europe, and allowing myself to be open to these fleeting friendships.

Occaisonally being too complacent
Sometimes I felt like I spent too much time on the internet, not taking advantage of being in this city. But, I'm aware that I have done quite a lot in the past 4 months, so it's a matter of acknowledging good times along with the lazy times. And it's ok to have both.

I'm a firm believer in learning from ones mistakes, so I know that in time these regrets will be lessons learned (and to be honest they mostly already have). So, having a few regrets is small change to what this whole experience has been to me in the long run. I say, with only the faintest shadow of a doubt*, that this has been the best 4 months of my life (and in my head I'm expecting to say 'best 6 months of my life' once I'm home). I say this, not because it's been a flawless few months, but quite the opposite: it's been a coalescence of painful, difficult times and positive new experiences. I've learnt and relearnt some difficult lessons, moved to another country (and thus, acheived a life-long dream), experienced loss in some of the deepest ways and all the while been reminded of the beautiful adventure that life is. Here are a few high lights of my time here in London (big and small):

Snow!
 




So, snow was a first for me. I can still remember how quiet it was that morning. I've since learned that that silence is because Londoners don't know how to open their front doors when it's snows.

Counselling.
I don't have a photo to illustrate my counselling sessions, because... y'know... taking a photo of my counsellor and I never really seemed appropriate, haha. I started counselling sessions here in Febuary, mainly because it seemed like a now or never kind of thing. I could go to counselling when I get back to Australia in 6 months... or I could start tackling my issues now. I chose the latter, and it has been immensely beneficial.

Travelling (with Ella, sometimes)
I'll always be really grateful that Ella was in Europe around the same time as me. This photo was taken in early January, as I was about to board my bus back to London from Amsterdam. I was starting my exchange in London, and she'd just finished hers in Amsterdam. I remember feeling like it was really poignant, with both of us starting our different adventures. Since then we've travelled together a lot, so my 'highlight' here is twofold: having a friend/good coincidences, and being able to travel to lots of cool places with relative ease. I love how central London is!

Museums and art galleries
 The Natural History Museum was probably one of my favourite museums. I also tried to go to a new gallery or event every week. London is such a busy city - I could go to an event every night of the week and still be missing out. When I get back to Perth I plan on going to many more exhibition openings and private views, because they're something I really enjoy here. I never went to a lot in Perth before I left because they're almost always in a Friday night and I usually worked Friday nights. So when I get back, depending on how/where I'm employed, I'll make sure I have Friday nights off.

Next time I post I will probably be in Germany. I really want to update as much as possibly during my travels, because I like keep this as a log of my activities. However, backpacking can be a fickle business, so I'm acknowledging now that any plans I have for regular blogging may fall through.

Much love to those reading,
Cathryn.


*I say 'faintest shadow of a doubt' because it feels like a big call to make. Also, if I say it's the best 6 months of my life, then the rest is all downhill from here, right? Let's say: best 4 months of my life so far, in progress :)

1 comment:

  1. As always Cathryn you have such a wonderful way with words. Maybe if you're not an artist you can be a writer! I have so enjoyed your blogs and hope you keep up your life diary even when you return. Thank you for allowing me to read your blog. I feel so much closer than i thought possible and am so glad you have had the courage to take this amazing journey. your ever loving mum.

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